AUTHOR’S NOTE: I started a private LiveJournal — yes, you read that right: a LiveJournal — last October. Then, because of ECT, which affects your memory, I completely forgot that I even had an online journal. There are about 20 posts, and I’ve decided to copy and paste the relevant ones here as part of a Throwback Thursday feature. They chronicle my time during a severe depressive episode, which led to another round of  ECT. You’ll read firsthand what that’s like. The entries are slightly edited for clarity, and with regard to anonymity.

Halfway Through October – October 14, 2016

I can’t believe we’re halfway through October. I’ve been feeling like shit for over a month: my moods alter between depressed, ok-but-not-quite baseline, with anxiety threading its way through it all. I haven’t showered in nearly a week, not because I’ve felt lethargic, but because of the structure I’ve set for myself during the day [NOTE: can’t remember what I meant], which can also be a cage, as my therapist pointed out in our phone session on Wednesday. I wasn’t supposed to have the phone session til today, but I had a fleeting thought on Tuesday that I’m so depressed I should just kill myself, which I texted her about. But I don’t want to, and no plans. Also, when I’m feeling down, showering seems like a LOT of work — the individual aspects of showering, that is.

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist later this morning, which I’m dreading because I don’t want to have to explain how I’m doing/feeling all over again. I already explained it to my therapist.

I’m feeling slightly rebellious: still wearing the sweats I threw on yesterday, slept in, and decided to wear today. I guess I feel this way because of the appointment and phone sessions, another of which I have early this afternoon. They’re tiring. At least my husband is working from home today and helping me get to the psychiatrist’s.

My therapist and I decided that getting one shower in before we leave would be good. I’m aiming for that tomorrow morning. And if it doesn’t happen, well, I guess it doesn’t happen. Fortunately, I don’t have body odor.

Photo credit: simonk via Visualhunt.com /  CC BY-NC-ND