Throwback Thursday #2: Tried to Cut Today


portrait-of-squirrel-in-forestAUTHOR’S NOTE: This post, as you can probably tell from the title, discusses self-harm, and may be triggering to someone who struggles with it. If this is you, then I suggest you discontinue reading.

Throwback Thursdays feature relevant posts (of about 20) from a private, online journal I kept last fall. They chronicle my time during a depressive episode, which led to another round of ¬†ECT. You’ll read firsthand what that was like for me. The entries are slightly edited for clarity, and with regard to anonymity.

Tried to Cut Today – October 17, 2016

Which is something I haven’t done in years and years. I say “tried” because our damn knives weren’t sharp enough. And my husband’s razors looked gross, although I tried using the least gross one, but that didn’t work, either. I couldn’t find any spare blades.

I woke up from my second afternoon nap feeling depressed. I got up at 5:30 to turn on the lights and shut the curtains. That’s when Rudy went to the living room windows that he recently “discovered,” and there happened to be squirrels out there. He saw one and started his squirrel bark, which is different from his normal bark. This one is very high-pitched and squeaky and grates like hell.

I thought we had poster boards that the dog trainer told us to buy to cover the windows with when not in training mode (Rudy’s learning not to bark at squirrels outside our windows). I only found one. I taped it to the window behind the chair, and that helped some, but his barking was incessant and he kept running from one window to another.

I couldn’t take it anymore and ran into the kitchen but as I said, the knives were too dull to break the skin. At least my husband is home now.

I did text my therapist to tell her, and she asked if I still felt like cutting. I said no, which is true, and my husband’s now here. She said she’d call me tomorrow to check in. And clearly, I need to work on my low tolerance for frustration.

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