Throwback Thursday #5: A Lot Happening

rear-view-of-woman-looking-down-bwThrowback Thursdays feature relevant posts (of about 20) from a private, online journal I kept last fall. They chronicle my time during a depressive episode, which led to another round of  ECT. You’ll read firsthand what that was like for me. The entries are slightly edited for clarity, and with regard to anonymity.

A Lot Happening – October 25, 2016

Ha. I can’t even think of an original subject line. Oh, well.

Called DBT Hospital yesterday about the program; was very anxious about calling. I have an assessment interview this Friday at 1:30, so had to reschedule my therapist appointment to a phone session.

I don’t even know that I can make it to DBT even if my husband drives me (I’m too anxious to drive) because I feel worse. I don’t want to kill myself, but I don’t want to go on living, either. I feel like ECT is the only way that I can even be well enough to go to the DBT program and actually get anything out of it.

Cancelled coffee with my friend this morning. Don’t even know if she got my text. I also had asked her to pick me up because I was too anxious to take the bus by myself.

I’ve been putting on some weight. Either because I’ve been craving and eating so many sweets and/or because of PMS. That just brings me down more. Didn’t eat breakfast, not because of that; just had no appetite.

I was able to brush my teeth, change my underwear, and put on sweats. And run a comb through my hair.

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