Chained to the Past

chains-caught-psyche-man-patient-eyes-sufferingAs my husband and I were driving somewhere near the end of 2017, I don’t know what made me realize, but I discovered that I haven’t let go of some parts of my past. I mean, I haven’t forgotten my past because it makes me the person I am today, and I can learn from it and be better equipped to handle those same situations should they arise again. What I haven’t been able to let go of is the functional person I was before the Breakdown, or, more recently, the person I was when I didn’t have anxiety about driving and was able to run errands and go places on my own; I’m chained to those versions of Barb, and I’m having trouble reconciling them with the Barb of today.

It’s not going to happen overnight, and is now something else I need to work through with my therapist. I think I have a long road ahead.

Are you able to let go of past or functional versions of yourself? If so, how did you do it?

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9 thoughts on “Chained to the Past

  1. I’ve had anxiety since age three at elast so I never experienced “normal,” whatever that is. It’s still the same though because I became chemically imbalanced when I was 28 and had to learn to deal with. Person I didn’t know, the new, mentally ill me. I would love to go back to before the incident, but it is not possible. It is never going to be the same. i still mourn sometimes, but have learned positive thinking techniques that work for me and medication for the imbalance to keep moving forward.

    1. I totally know what you mean about wanting to go back to the “old” me. Maybe I need to mourn my past self? Thanks for the suggestion of positive thinking; I’m trying really hard to practice that.

      1. Idid write a post about that, actually two, let’s get real about positive thinking. The second one I explain how ai do it. It has made a difference in the last 15 years. There are also lots of self hypnosis books that might help too.

        1. Thanks! I’ll look for them on your blog. What are the tiles of the posts, and do you remember when you wrote them? Or you can posts links here, but WP only allows you to post one link at a t time, so you’d have to do it twice.

  2. I still long for the past formation of myself that was very imaginative, fun, and sexual but new layers have since developed that make that not the primary way in which I approach life. I know those parts of me are still underwriting my experience but I don’t grasp for them and judge the way I think and act now. I actually find that giving gentle attention and care to the parts of me that I often judge or want to replace with “functional” traits opens up more space for me to simply be, without adhering to any idea of who I ought to be (which is often caught up in faulty conditioning from the past). I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression extensively through my teenage years and still have arisings of it, so I hope you allow yourself to experience it and nurture yourself through it.

    1. Thank you for your wise words. I’ve started doing a guided meditation on self-love, and will continue until it takes hold. 🌻

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