I Cut Again

⚠️⚠️⚠️!!!TRIGGER WARNING!!!⚠️⚠️⚠️

NOTE: This post graphically discusses self-harm. If this is a trigger for you, please do not read further.

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Photo provided by author

Happiness is not a foreign concept to me. As I mentioned yesterday, I had a salon appointment. My nail tech did, indeed, ask about the bandages on my arm, and I muttered something about having cut myself. Fortunately, by that point, my husband replaced the Disney Band-Aids with 2 of the biggest, yet appropriately-sized bandages I’ve ever seen, and they were that normal Band-Aid color.

I also got my hair done. I was scheduled for a cut and color, and when I was at the salon last week, I mentioned to my stylist that I wished I could go red, but my hair is so dark. As you can see from the picture, she certainly got my naturally black hair to a red that’s even brighter than she expected, and that we both love! I absolutely LOVE it! I guess there’s still a bit of punk rock in me lol! I was excited and elated when I left the salon.

Not long after I got home, I cut again. It was a compulsion. This time it wasn’t to release emotional pain — it was to release tension. As the razor went up my arm, it was stimulating — I felt a rush that, I admit, was awesome. I spent the rest of the night trying not to cut, because it had an addictive quality. At least I had TV shows to watch, which was a good distraction. Also, I began feeling a bit manicky; turns out, I forgot to take my morning meds, which is when I take the majority of my mood stabilizers.

Anyway, my husband e-mailed my psychiatrist again, who this morning, replied:

“It may be a good idea to go to the hospital right now. One thing that they can do is get Barb up to a good dose of lithium very quickly, as they can take daily blood draws and monitor her closely. In fact, I would perhaps suggest that this is the best course of action.”

So there may be another hospital stay in my very near future. I did text with my therapist yesterday, who called me last night. She said we need to figure out better coping mechanisms. I have an appointment with her early this afternoon, and my husband will be sitting in.

As I type this, I feel the depression again. I don’t know if I’m rapid cycling, or if it’s because I forgot to take my meds yesterday morning. I hate feeling this way, and I absolutely regret having cut, period. As I said, it feels like an addiction.

If I do end up going to the hospital, too bad I can’t wear my Doc Martens to complete the punk look lol! They’d only take the laces away, and it’d be awfully hard to walk in unlaced combat boots!

I’m sorry I haven’t been reading your posts these past couple of days, but I want to thank everyone for sharing their stories, love, support, and encouragement. ❤️❤️❤️

If you’ve ever cut, did it feel addictive?


Daily Prompt: Foreign

9 thoughts on “I Cut Again

  1. I hope that things get better soon, even if that means going back to hospital. But whenever you go you are going to look fabulous because your hair seriously rocks 🙂

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  2. You look gorgeous Barb! Don’t self harm the beautiful person you are!!! I hope you go to the hospital. Think about what will happen if you take it too far. Please go. Teice in twod ays is too much!

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  3. IT IS ADDICTIVE, NO DOUBT ABOUT IT. I AM SORRY YOU MAY HAVE TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL. HOSPITALS ARE SUCKY PLACES. AT LEAST IN MY OPINION. I KNOW THOUGH SOMETIMES ITS WHATS NEEDED. HOPE YOUR OK. LIZ

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