NOTE: This post discusses self-harm. If this is a trigger for you, please do not read further.
As I showered this morning, I noticed that my razor was gone from the shelf in the shower. I had no intention of harming myself, but I did feel annoyed not seeing it in its usual spot. I admit that I still have urges to self-harm, and it’s hard to fight those urges because it’s like an addiction.
I asked my husband about it, and he said that he put my razors away (I bought a 4-pack) before he even took me to the ER this last time. And as I signed my discharge papers from Behavioral Hospital, my social worker emphasized that my husband should put away my razors and medications (so I can’t OD, which is what I wanted to do when I was hospitalized a month ago).
Not seeing my razor there felt like a violation, though I’m not sure why. I know I can’t be trusted having them around. Knives are okay, because I don’t use them to cut, especially since ours are pretty dull.
I’m hoping that I’ll learn other ways of coping that will work for me. Rubbing an ice cube on my arm or snapping a rubber band against my wrist don’t produce the same psychological effects as cutting, at least not for me.
It’s been over 10 years since I last cut, and I’m in this for the long haul — not cutting, that is.
What are substitute coping methods you’ve used to avoid self-harming?