When I was figuring out what to write about today, this paragraph from my previous post popped up.
“Relatives might ask where I am. Others might think I’m disrespectful for not being there. If I was there, I can only imagine the deluge of questions. Why’s your hair that color? Do you think you’re still a kid? What is [this] PHP? Or maybe no one would ask any questions at all.”
And that’s when I observed that I self-stigmatize. I was so worried about what other family members might think of me. Okay, my dad and uncle already told me that the Philippines is half the world away, Mama won’t recognize anyone (dad), and Mama will understand (uncle). Then, when I expressed my worry about relatives not seeing me and wondering about me (above paragraph), they basically blew that off — not the question, the other family members. I could have held my red head high and talked about why I don’t have kids.
If the funeral was here, of course I’d be there, and I’d be there ready to answer any question sent my way.
The word “loser” just popped into my head, but I don’t know who it’s meant for, because it certainly isn’t for me.
Pay attention to your speech patterns. Do you self-stigmatize?