Today I took the day off from going to PHP #4. I’m absolutely tired of and overwhelmed by it. The program is skills-based, which means the therapists teach us skills aimed at like, improving our outlook and tamping down anxiety. I’ve already used a few of the skills, myself. But the knowledge doesn’t come easy.
During Group, which I call Class because it’s very much like one, the therapists teach us various skills. The format is, to my vantage point, anyway, very academic, and thus, overwhelming and anxiety-producing. (Yes, I used the word “thus”. Go, me. Lol!) I’d never had trouble in school before, until now — and that’s totally what PHP #4 seems like — school. They ask a question and when one of us answers, they write it onto a whiteboard, where they end up with a list of answers that we’ve called out. I have trouble with this, because the room’s ventilation system is so. Incredibly. LOUD. So much so that I usually can’t hear anything being said by either the therapists or patients/clients (whatever we’re called).
I’ve also felt pressured to provide an answer, which I’ve never felt before. I always had my hand raised in class. But on a few occasions I’ve been called on and left at a loss for words. How utterly embarrassing.
And yet, they joke to us that there isn’t going to be a test. That may be, but then why do I constantly feel like there is? And multiply that feeling by 3 because we have 3 groups to attend each day.
I’m sure this approach works for some people, but it doesn’t work for me. However, my husband says he’s seen a lot of improvement in my mood and activity level. I’m doing more — things that in the past, I only always thought about doing — now, I’m actually doing them, such as using the treadmill. I don’t doubt that the program works, but I don’t know if it’s right for me. I wonder if it’s worth the stress and anxiety of waking up Monday through Friday, only to realize that I have to go back to that place.