My anxiety has been bad this past week. I had 2 opportunities to go to martial arts class, but I chickened out both times. On Tuesday I hemmed and hawed until it was too late to go, and on Thursday I woke up knowing that I wasn’t going to go that day. And the weird thing is that I look forward to going to class, until the day comes around. I’m so tired of how crippling my anxiety can be.
Anxiety has kept me from doing things that I want to do and that, in turn, makes me depressed. My therapist, who I’m seeing today, said we would strategize and make a plan that makes it bearable for me to go to martial arts. I hope something comes from our meeting today, and that I can go to class on Tuesday.
In the meantime the words, “I’m so depressed,” keep going through my mind. But I don’t know if I really am depressed, because I’ve almost forgotten what it feels like (ever since my medication started working and I was not depressed).
What is familiar is the fact that I’m having trouble getting into the shower. That’s a red flag for me, as far as depression goes. I’ve been reluctant to keep my commitments this week, and had to push myself to follow through. Again, these are things I looked forward to. And I’ve had thoughts of self-harming, but I haven’t acted on them.
I don’t want to go back on Klonopin, but my husband and I discussed the possibility of doing so, or at least trying some other medication. I really don’t want to add more meds to my cocktail.
Has your anxiety ever crippled you from doing new things?