Throwback Thursday #7: Rejected

Throwback Thursdays feature relevant posts (of about 20) from a private, online journal I kept last fall. They chronicle my time during a depressive episode, which led to another round of  ECT. You’ll read firsthand what that was like for me. The entries are slightly edited for clarity, and with regard to anonymity.


8287500503_7709e49e64_nRejected – October 29, 2016

Yesterday I had my assessment interview for the DBT program. That didn’t go so well. I thought for sure they’d accept me, but I was REJECTED!!! Who’d have thought that you could be rejected from a partial hospitalization program (PHP)??? Well, I was, so the therapist I met with didn’t even go through the full assessment with me.

Part of the reason is because I can’t start immediately because of ECT. But even if I wasn’t going through ECT, apparently I’m not functional enough: you have to shower daily (self-care) because “it isn’t fair” to the other patients. Ok, I totally get that. She also thinks I need something more comprehensive, not a program that only lasts 2-3 weeks (I thought their program went for 6 weeks; it used to). So she recommended that I go to a particular community mental health center. They’re usually free and provide pretty much the same services as a PHP.

She thinks it would be good for me because it’s open-ended — I can continue going long-term, even for years. I’d have my own therapist there, and a case manager. It sounds a lot like the place I went to when my husband lost his job many years ago, and we didn’t have insurance. And it was like being in PHP, but not as strict. You could come and go as you pleased.

Anyway, I can get to the one she recommended via public transportation, so I wouldn’t have to drive, but hopefully by the time I start going (if I’m accepted haha) I’ll be driving again.

So, yeah. I almost cried in her office, but I’m glad I didn’t. She was a real hard-ass and didn’t pull any punches. She did say that after the ECTs, I may be in a better place and we could revisit my joining the DBT program.

Last thing: my weight has been steadily rising. I know I’ve been eating a lot more sweets than normal, but I also hope it’s from PMS.


Photo credit: futileboy via VisualHunt.com /  CC BY-NC

Throwback Thursday #6: ECT & DBT

Throwback Thursdays feature relevant posts (of about 20) from a private, online journal I kept last fall. They chronicle my time during a depressive episode, which led to another round of  ECT. You’ll read firsthand what that was like for me. The entries are slightly edited for clarity, and with regard to anonymity.


3365078647_99d779c6c2_mECT & DBT – October 27, 2016

My husband and I met with ECT Doctor 1 (there are 3, but 1 is the main ECT psychiatrist). We agreed to start ECT 3x/week indefinitely, but for the next 2 weeks for sure, and then 2x/week indefinitely. This all starts Monday. Yay.

I had to cancel an appointment yesterday in order to see ECT Doctor 1. Otherwise he couldn’t see me til next Tuesday and I can’t wait that long because the depression is worse.

On another note, tomorrow I have my assessment interview at DBT Hospital but don’t know when I’ll be able to start because of ECT. I hope they’re ok with that.


Photo credit: kingfishpies via Visualhunt / CC BY-NC-ND

Throwback Thursday #5: A Lot Happening

rear-view-of-woman-looking-down-bwThrowback Thursdays feature relevant posts (of about 20) from a private, online journal I kept last fall. They chronicle my time during a depressive episode, which led to another round of  ECT. You’ll read firsthand what that was like for me. The entries are slightly edited for clarity, and with regard to anonymity.


A Lot Happening – October 25, 2016

Ha. I can’t even think of an original subject line. Oh, well.

Called DBT Hospital yesterday about the program; was very anxious about calling. I have an assessment interview this Friday at 1:30, so had to reschedule my therapist appointment to a phone session.

I don’t even know that I can make it to DBT even if my husband drives me (I’m too anxious to drive) because I feel worse. I don’t want to kill myself, but I don’t want to go on living, either. I feel like ECT is the only way that I can even be well enough to go to the DBT program and actually get anything out of it.

Cancelled coffee with my friend this morning. Don’t even know if she got my text. I also had asked her to pick me up because I was too anxious to take the bus by myself.

I’ve been putting on some weight. Either because I’ve been craving and eating so many sweets and/or because of PMS. That just brings me down more. Didn’t eat breakfast, not because of that; just had no appetite.

I was able to brush my teeth, change my underwear, and put on sweats. And run a comb through my hair.


Photo via Visualhunt.com

Throwback Thursday #3: Day Hospital

pexels-photo-509819AUTHOR’S NOTE: this image doesn’t accurately depict day hospital (also called a partial hospitalization program, or PHP) because the people look happy to be there. But it was hard to find an appropriate photo.

Throwback Thursdays feature relevant posts (of about 20) from a private, online journal I kept last fall. They chronicle my time during a depressive episode, which led to another round of  ECT. You’ll read firsthand what that was like for me. The entries are slightly edited for clarity, and with regard to anonymity.


Day Hospital – October 19, 2016

So when my therapist checked in on me yesterday this topic came up. She thinks I need to go, both to get out of the house, and, if I go back to Partial Hospitalization Program  3 (PHP 3), the social aspect. (Most programs don’t allow patients to befriend one another, but PHP 3 does.) Going to Possible PHP 4, which I should really call DBT, Take 2, would help change the way I think in a positive way, because it’s a DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) program. A couple of friends went through it and found it helpful, particularly the part about changing the way you think.

Either one will mess up my current schedule, such as it is. DBT, Take 2 would work out better in terms of this, so we may look into me going into that program again. Last time (DBT, Take 1) I went for only one day. I can’t remember why, and I had every intention of going back but never did.

The DBT program I went to and may go to again is unlike day hospital, or PHP. It’s more like a class. There’s a workbook; instead of therapy, there’s a lecture during which you’re expected to take notes; and homework. And no socialization.

I’m not happy about going at all.


Photo by pexels.com