APOLOGIZE: I say “I’m sorry” waaaayyyy more than I ought to, and about inconsequential things. For example, if my husband and I reach for the same item at the same time, I’ll apologize. In the car, if I don’t secure my seatbelt fast enough, the obnoxious alarm goes off, and I apologize. Out in public, if someone brushes against me and says, “Excuse me,” I apologize (and try to get over the fact that a complete stranger touched me). Well, none of these things or others like them are my fault, so why do I keep apologizing? I’m guessing it has to do with my self-esteem: it’s low. I think so little of myself that I’m willing to take the blame or claim that whatever the situation is, is my fault. I need to do this less often.
PRESSURE MYSELF: I have a habit of pressuring myself to post once a day here or to my dog’s Instagram (shameless plug — follow him here! @rudy_thegoodboy). I’ll have 5 posts ready to publish in the next 5 days, but I feel that I need to write yet one more. The thought of not posting for one day makes me uneasy. Rationally, I know that I don’t have to do any of this, but in my mind it gets warped into some sort of hang-up. Not fun. I will stop pressuring myself more often.
AVOIDANCE: I’m a HUGE avoider. I avoid actions/interactions because I’m scared of them. I can’t even pay for something at the check-out line without feeling anxious; I’ll step aside so my husband can pay, but he’s on to me now. I avoid answering the door when we order food and delivery arrives. The restaurants don’t always give you the total, so you only learn what it is when delivery shows up, and then I’m confused about how much to tip because I can’t do math that quickly. Plus it’s a total stranger, and you never know. I need to stop avoiding things and people.
These are just some of the habits in my life that I want to stop: apologizing needlessly; putting pressure on myself; and avoiding everyday things.
Something I really struggle with is forgiving myself. I’m so used to beating myself up for anything and everything that I might as well be bruised all over. I think of myself as a loser.
I know better, and I’m improving as far as not beating myself up goes. For example, I began working out recently. If I miss a day, I’m not going to feel guilty about it like I normally would. I’d just say, “Oh, well” and know that I can try again tomorrow.
Or maybe I’ll decide to eat something that’s calorie dense like chocolate-covered coconut creams. Oh, well. It might make me gain a few ounces, but certainly not several pounds. Of course it’s possible to overdo the “oh, well’s” so you have to be careful. Otherwise, how would you ever get anything done?
Thank you so much to my new followers and old followers for sticking by me and my blog during the time that I took off. I don’t know when I’ll post next; hopefully it will be more regularly.
So. Since January I’ve…
quit, yes quit my drawing class. I went the first 2 times (it was a 5-week course); made the conscious decision not to go the 3rd time (can’t remember why–maybe because I figured out that I couldn’t learn to draw!); there was a polar vortex in the 4th week; and the last class I didn’t feel would be worth it. I know I was just posting about how good I’ve been keeping my commitments, and I’ve been good about it. I had a setback but I started over the next day, which is an outlook I’ve been trying to maintain. No such thing as failures–just mistakes, which I can learn from. I’m finally starting to see things that way.
just finished (all 4 weeks) of another online writing course. It was with the same instructor I had last time. The focus of this class was to simply follow where a story leads, just let your creativity flow to someplace you’ve never been, in terms of your story/writing. As a result of taking this class, along with doing Shut Up & Write’s 30-day Writing Challenge, I’ve been writing every day for at least 2 hours, for about a month. I just can’t think of anything to blog about.
signed up for an intermediate (though that’s relative) crochet class that starts in May! I’m very excited about this. I have been crocheting, though I stalled a week or 2 ago because the shawl I’m working on is somewhat repetitive and I was getting bored. I’m determined to finish it, even though the shape is very obviously wonky.
been to Savannah, Georgia, though I’ll write about that trip in another post!
Some of you may know about my weight troubles. Anyway, I lost 10 lbs. since this past April, so it’s been about 2 months. I stopped eating candy, ate smaller portions, and began using the treadmill. I also started going to PHP #4 in April. Having to get up early, get dressed, and leave the house every day (M – F) accounted for some of it, too. I wasn’t used to so much activity.
Somebody told me that I’d probably gain 10 lbs. from lithium, so I’m glad I avoided that. I still need to lose another 10, though. At least I can fit into my old jeans.
Now that I’ve lost this weight, I’ve started eating candy again. Way to self-sabotage. I didn’t even realize I was sabotaging myself. Now that I’m aware, I can do something about it, such as stop. Eating. Candy.
I try to use the treadmill every day, but it doesn’t always happen, mainly because we have plans and I end up forgetting to, or don’t have time to fit it in. Granted, I only walk swiftly for 11 minutes (up from 10) lol!
Hopefully, the next 10 lbs. will be easy to shed.
Are you trying to lose weight, too? Has your medication caused you to gain weight?
I haven’t written about my mother in a while, partly because of my current mental health issues, so my therapist and I temporarily stopped working on Daughter Detox, which is a book that includes exercises on “recovering from an unloving mother and reclaiming your life.” (That’s the book’s subtitle.)
I’ve already mentioned this, but I have to say it again: I’m uncomfortable with my appearance. I’m not sure why, but I don’t focus so much on my face (my mom used to call me ugly, which I guess I’ve accepted — still working on disbelieving that), but I’m obsessed with my weight. Last spring I weighed 129 lbs. Now I’m up to 140 lbs. no thanks to Prozac and now the lithium, too.
In my research, I discovered that for both medications, 25% of patients gain weight from them. Well, I guess I’m that 1 in 4. Is it even possible to thwartmedication weight gain? If I exercise, will it reduce my weight? Or do I just need to suck it up and accept the weight? What are your thoughts?
Also, I bought new jeans and long-sleeve tops yesterday because: 1) I can’t fit into my old jeans or khakis; and 2) to hide my self-harm scars. Looking at myself in the dressing room mirror was so defeating. I know I should follow the advice that was written in the post I reblogged last night, but it’s so hard.
If you’ve gained weight from medication, were you able to stay on the meds and lose weight through exericise/diet?